So I've cracked a bit to Web 2.0, despite my rant yesterday. Mostly because it was induced by the knowledge that I would have Twitter feed by today.

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I hate having a mixed opinion about things. Things I want to do but can't at the moment. My money is slowly being chipped away and I still haven't ben paid yet fo my grading. I really should check my e-mail in case Christine sent something but that would also mean facing my prof, who is probably as irritated with me as I am with my project at the moment. See what I mean?

My main concern is my fight-or-flight response with other gay men. I'm the rare bird that has remained gay only in theory. And to be honest I kind of like it that way.

True, I will likely probably never have a relationship, but I kind of want it to just happen. If I see it coming I could end up in the Middle East or an equally distant and remote location. And it isn't even a fear of committment, but a deep rooted fear of actual intimacy in general. I can observe, maybe play-act, but to actually be consciously participating scares me to death.

This is only part of the reason I am not going to a Queers on Campus (previously GLASS) event three weeks in a row. The other part is being broke, awkward socializing and getting too deep in a group of people I frankly feel too old to be hanging out with. The people are nice and although I had fun, tonight also reminded me of the things I didn't enjoy about the entire scene in general. First, while the small size of the community is cozy you also can't escape the people you don't like. Second, it's really hard not to feel slighted when people interject in your conversation to hit on who you're talking to. Third, so many have the social and relationship graces of emotionally-stunted teenagers (like myself).

The last is more hard to bear because I'm all too conscious of it and that is the root of my awkwardness. Ever since my first brush with another gay man where I built a physical wall of sofa cushions between myself and him. Perhaps it's just an extreme form of how we make the divide of friends and romantic interests. It's just that much more ambiguous when the rules and scenarios aren't normally socialized, easily gleaned and just happened to be constantly changing.

And still I feel like a stodgy old man or at least accelerating towards middle age. That probably explains why December imagines me with an older established professional man, and I don't deny the possibility. I don't believe that opposites attract, but that there is a strange law of averages where you must be better for the balance you achieve.

Until I find that person that understands me that way, cute and even intelligent or charismatic won't do.

Keith