Sometimes we need to learn how to take chances again. Repeatedly. I think that includes trying to make the "right" choice, when that can only be judged in hindsight. Balancing regrets with what came of said choice.
***
I'm trying something different. Taking a more thorough walk through of what I want to do. Poking and prodding, some investigation into where things are going wrong. Something tells me I'm going to have to burn some bridges before I can make new ones.
This place, my brain, my life and, I'm noticing more often, my body is become a mess of things I've neglected. And it's seriously time I aired it out. Tossed a few things. Made sure I know where I stand with people, and how they are doing. I'll probably post the list of things I've started for myself of things I can do instead of hiding away. Wasting in front of this forsaken LCD and keyboard. All the storage real and digital in this house is going to be cleaned of everything that I no longer need or want.
***
I refuse to fall into the assumption that things are fine because they are the way that they have been. Particularly with my family. That's probably why I'm not on speaking terms wih my mom at the moment. Ironic, that it's my problem with her silence and indifference on things that launched it. A trait that seems to riddle most of the geneaology, if not the culture.
Not having to actually care about anything is easy. But it's debilitating in that you never know how to deal with anything. Character-wise I might as well be a paper doll. A demanding, absent-minded, procrstinating, awkward, socially apathetic cut-out.
Getting more active in the whole enterprise of regaining something of who I was is the point. Not the perpetually stressed-out encyclopedia, thesaurus, database and study guide, but the kid that rolled down hills, played with clouds, could taste more intensely than I could ever try to and actually cared about all those important dreams and issues. No thin excuses or halfassing, people are getting sick of it and frankly so am I.
Keith